We all like to think of those moments when so many people want to experience love, and they want to feel accepted. They want to be a part of something, a that is the thing, there are so many moments when I was the same way. Do I know why I was the kid who was pushed to the side. I mean, life was not always the easiest thing in the world to find the acceptance that we were looking for, but sometimes we have to understand, those firsts for many of us, they are the things that help us learn about the world around us.
I knew that when so many people told me that I did not really belong, but there were those who had gone out of their way to help me feel like there was someone out there, someone who was willing to talk to us, to spend time with us, and they would be the people that we would learn to count on. I guess that is why there was that life that I accepted the name Freddy.
My spirit was entirely too restless, but that was the thing, I knew that the people I had fought to fit in, and as Freddy, I had to understand that I was only part of the person that I wanted to be. Had I known back then, what I know now, maybe I would have lived a different life, but do we ever really get to be the people that we should be?
“Hey, Freddy,” Mark called out, as he was walking down the hall, “are you going to have time to help me with my English assignment this afternoon?”
“I think so, as far as I know, I am going to have some free time to work on that.”
”Okay, good to hear. I really don’t understand what it is that we are working on.”
As I walked down the hall, most of these people were not the kind of people that I really would have talked to, not on a normal basis, but I knew, some of them were in need of the skills that I could come up with. It was not that people like Mark could not do the assignment the teacher had given us, but he was not one who had much courage to do the assignment without me taking some time to simplify the assignment.
“Hey, Freddy, are you going to the dance on Friday?” The voice, as I spun to see who it was that was talking to me, was Tabby.
”I am planning on it. Are you going to be there?” I asked in return.
“Yep. Couldn’t keep me away.”
“Well, how could I stay away?”
She smiled the biggest smile. I did not know why Tabby and I always seemed to do so well together. We were like the polar opposites. But that was alright, as long as I could continue to put a smile on her face, that was all that mattered to me. I had no idea what so many things would lead to, but that is the thing, we all need to take the time to be the kind who opened the door, and just let whatever happen that I wanted to happen.
My best friend, Peter, he was always telling me, that when I shared that first kiss, that I would never forget it. Now, don’t get me wrong, I did not always believe the things that Peter told me, but that was the thing, there were times when I knew that there was a good chance that he was right, this time. I had never kissed a girl. I had never even thought that something like that was going to happen, not here, not now.
School was different for me. I knew so many kids my age, they were trying to hookup with girls all the time. I heard about the conquests, and sometimes there were more details than I cared to hear, but that is the thing, we need to understand that there were better people out there than the ones in our peer group at times, but Peter felt that he needed to share these stories in an effort to make sure that I knew what I was missing. But that is the thing, I knew that he was just trying to make me want it, and I did want it. But I wanted it the right way.
“Are you kidding, you could hit that any day of the week, man,” Peter said as he walked up to me in the hall.
“What do you mean?”
”You know what I mean. You could get her anytime, all you have to do is ask.”
”I don’t know. I mean, yes, she is beautiful, but I am not sure that I want to believe that she is the one that I want to fall in love with. She is on the fast track to getting an advanced degree, and making it clear that she does not want to be distracted.”
”Dude, you have to go for it. She is begging you to distract her whole life plan.”
”Did you listen to the words I just said?” I asked.
“Yeah, I heard them, but we don’t get the chance to change history every single day.”
”I will think about it.”
”If you don’t do something about it soon, she is going to go off with some other guy, who will be a distraction for her.”
”Do you really think so?”
”I do, yes. I wish that I could tell you something else, but girls, they don’t wait around forever.”
“I know. And I need to just ask her out. But I am worried that I am not all that she really is looking for.”
”Listen, I know that all of this is confusing to you. I mean, there is nothing that we can do, we fall for the people that we do. To sit there, and say nothing, believe me, all I want to share, I hope that you find your way forward in this. That girl is begging you to ask her out.”
Maybe he was right. Maybe Tabby was indeed begging me to ask her out, and flirting with her in the hall, before the start of the day, that felt good to me, but I was still unsure about this whole dating thing. I was only in junior high, and maybe that was only for another few months, but I felt uneasy asking her on a date, and then having to have my parents take us, or have to walk to our destination. Besides, I was not sure that I wanted to spend a week’s allowance on a date that is only going to last a couple hours at the most.
It was easy to come up with the reasons not to ask. There were even a ton of reasons that sounded like good reasons. But the thing was, I also knew that there was likely to be dancing, but in the end, one of the two of us were going to wind up getting hurt, if not the both of us. I wanted to believe that there were so many people out there who no longer talked to one another, even though years had passed by, and they knew that they were looking back on those glory days. It kills me to think that I was going to cause that kind of pain.
“What are you thinking? Please tell me that you are not thinking about writing her a poem that you will never share with her.”
“Nah, but it is an idea.”
”Don’t, please. I mean, just ask the girl out.”
”I’ll think about it,” I replied, “we better get to class for now, or Mr. Potter, he is going to have our hide.”
“He might anyway. By the way you should take up swearing, because I think it would make you just bad boy that I think that so many people would come chasing you.”
”Just what I need, believe me that would be harder on me than asking some girl on a date.”
We finished walking down the hall. We managed to just get into the classroom, and get to our seats as the bell rang. I was thankful for that. But as I was sitting there, it was not uncommon for all of us to pass notes to some degree, but I was not expecting a note from Tabby, but we had not been there for more than a few moments and the note was handed to me.
I glanced at the note, trying not to draw too much attention to it, and it was her asking me out. I guess that neither Peter nor I had thought that this was something that was going to happen. I knew that there were those out there who had no idea what to do with this, but that is the thing, I knew that she was one who I had to guess would never make this kind of move, that was unless she really wanted to date me.
I knew that it reminded me of the song that was recorded by George Straight, that my mom used to listen to called, “Check Yes or No” and that was almost what this note said, but I thought that my heart was going to pound right through my chest. I never knew that there was something about this world that always just seemed so odd to me. But I knew the one sentence that still hung with me, “I know that you may not have the courage to ask me out, so I wanted to do the hard work.”
A smile came to my face, that there was a woman out there, that for some reason, she just got me. It made me feel like I was on cloud 9, and there was nothing better than that feeling. It was not like this world was not large enough, or sophisticated enough, for a woman to ask a man out, and I knew that there was that part of me, the one that just took me to a different place.
”So, what are you going to do?” My mom asked when I told her about the note, and the question that was in it.
“I think that I am going to tell her, yes.”
”Just know,” she started, “treat her right. That is what you need to remember. Just like your father used to treat me. You have to open the doors for her, and if it gets too cool, you need to be able to give her your jacket. All that. The works. If you want her to be around, you need to treat her right.”
”I know, mom, you act like I don’t remember anything.”
”Just thought that I would tell you, to treat her right. Not too many kids do that kind of thing these days.”
I had been told the story of my parents, when they dated, in college of course, that my father was like the perfect gentleman. I knew that my mom only wanted me to be like my father. I wish that she had not had to deal wth the pain that she had, when my father was killed in a car accident on his way home from work. She still kept his last voicemail, so that if she felt lonely, that she could pick up and listen to his message one last time.
It was harder for her than it was for me, they were close from everything that I had ever heard. I knew that my mom always made sure that I knew what my dad was like, but my uncle once told me, he said that “your mom and dad, they were so close that I don’t think that they could ever be separated. And your dad was like the real deal.”
It was strange hearing others say that my dad was a great guy. There are those who are out there, who they pretend to be one thing, but then it is not long before you find out that they are a real creep, and that was all there was to it. I never really wanted it that way, but I was never sure that I could be the same way my dad was, not without pretending to some degree. Did I know why things went the way they did? No, but I knew that I was not going to learn unless I took the time to learn it.
It was not hard, as I found out, to be the kind of man that I knew that my father would have wanted me to be. The kind who took the time to take care of the people who were in his life. Did I know what was going to become of me? No, but I knew that if I took the time to care for the people around me, that I was going to be okay.
No, I did not end up with Tabby. I would have been happy with that, but I ended up with someone equally as good, if not better. I knew that if I had told my wife that, she would never have understood why I said equally as good, but that is the thing, the first girl that you fall in love with, for some reason they stick with you. The first time you do so many things, they become a type of milestone, and they are hard to surpass. I knew that I was never going to understand it, but I was doing my best.
But the night that I went on that epic first date, I was nervous as all get out, and I was trying to just get my heart back in my chest. I was sure that I was going to screw all this up, but that was the thing, I knew that there were so many reasons that I wanted to get better, to improve the world that we were living in. I had no idea how to stop myself from falling in love with Tabby. As we entered the gymnasium of the junior high together, that was the best feeling in the world. Seeing everyone turn and look at me.
It is amazing the things that we remember, the things that help us feel better. But that is the thing, I know that there were people out there, they had to sit there and watch as some of us got almost everything that they ever wanted. I think that was the part that was the hardest. It seemed like we all had the same dreams, but as I sat here at my desk, I knew that it wasn’t fair. I knew that there were plenty of other guys who loved Tabby, they could have formed a line that was long enough to wrap around the school, but I was the only one who could say that I was her first, and she was mine as well.
And as I sit here now, I wish that I had understood the value that there was here in those actions. To know that the next smile, it could be the one that could change the course of a day. I was never going to know why she chose me to be her first, and I knew that there were so many reasons that the first was so important, but that’s the thing, for you who have not had that first love, don’t rush it, but take the time to enjoy it.
I still wake up in the middle of the night, terrified that the woman who lays down beside me, that she is not going to be there the next night. But that is the thing, sure those firsts, they helped me see just how much I enjoy what I have right now. I often think and feel like I do not deserve the things that I had, but there are those of us, we have so much, and we take it for granted, and sadly, that is the worst feeling in the world, at least it is for me.
The End.
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